Unsaid and Unheard

She looked in the mirror for one last time but could not turn her face away. Her eyes were fixed on the mirror since she looked gorgeous in the bridal outfit- a banarasi sari. The ornaments that she had put on along with the makeup furnished her perfectly. She observed herself minutely from her hair to her fingertips. Indeed, she looked like a diva. Now that she was satisfied she turned around and looked at her room. All these 25 years she had built strong bonds with every corner. But a certain ritual called ‘marriage’ would soon change everything in her life. She felt helpless yet did not allow emotions to overpower her; she had to look stunning otherwise her pictures would not be a matter of discussion on the social sites.

‘Who does not want to be in a limelight?’ she thought. At least she wanted to be. She walked around her room. Many memories ran before her. She let this slip out of her life. But something made her stop. And she opened her bookshelf to hold it -a wrapper of diary milk silk. She only knew what it meant for her. It was her secret- a gift to her from her love.  She kissed it. And now her lips were prominent in its body. She missed him like anything. She had always dreamt of him, only him. No matter, she promised herself she would love him forever. But with each passing second, her promise weakened. It was a sin and she would be cursed by gods if she kept someone else in her thoughts. Tears dropped down. She could no longer hold herself back. She cried and cried like a new born baby. And his thoughts had messed up everything- her look that she was very much concerned few moments back.

But that moment she cared for nothing not even her looks. All she wanted was him. It was too late. Her ego had always blocked all her roads to him. She had even blocked him at the social sites the very day her marriage was fixed. What she had always wanted was he would propose. But he didn’t. He was never ready for commitment. And these thoughts made her hate him all over again. But still she could not resist her temptation to hear his voice for one last time.

She picked up the phone and dialed his number. Before she could hear his voice, she felt a hand on her back. She turned. It was her mother. The cell slipped from her hand. Her heartbeat increased and she was afraid that her secret would be revealed. The sign of nervousness was clearly visible on her face.

The groom had arrived. Her mother had come to take her. So, she slowly walked with her mother, unaware that his voice echoed in her room after she left.

Dilemma

‘I’ll meet you at your place for the last time,’ she said in a trembling voice.

‘Okay,’ he replied in a husk tone.

She hold the phone for two more minutes but when silence prevailed she realized he had already disconnected the call.

She never thought he would hang up like that.

‘Everything happens for a reason,’ she thought.

And now she was certain about her decision. She did not need to give a second thought.

She gathered all his gifts- be it the pendant twelve years old, a dress five years back or a watch few months old. She then left for his home. When she reached there, his room was locked. She opened the door for she had access to his keys.

‘Gosh! He’ll never change. How can someone live in such a messy place?’

She started cleaning and cursing him in the process. Once done, she relaxed for a while and felt pride for her marvelous work.

An hour had passed but he did not show up. Many a times, she dialed his number. But ego stood in the way and she disconnected the call before the first ring.

Unable to cope up with the restlessness, she looked around his room. Memories-their memories were scattered everywhere. She wished she could rewind twelve years of her life. Many questions started ringing up in her mind. ‘What would my life been if I never chose to walk with him since 2^nd October, 2004,’ she thought again and again. She knew the answer but was afraid to admit for she had made her mind to start a new journey without him. She knew memories would never let her go for he was someone who made her feel special. She still remembered clearly those early mornings when he used to wait near her hostel gate to get a glimpse of her. And she would knowingly ignore him pretending as if she had not seen him. A smile dropped in her lips when her stupid letter of many pages crossed her mind. She accepted his proposal only if he promised to abide by her conditions. All he wanted was her and for that to happen he was ready to go through any test. And as time passed, conditions lost its hold and they became one. Love blossomed in their lives. They were inseparable and the cutest couple in their friend circle.

Years rolled by. She became stubborn. He loved irritating her. He made her feel jealous- jealous of his female friends. And she began making mountain out of mole. She was in secured. And in last few months her insecurity had reached its peak. And so finally she thought of closing the chapter forever.  

All she wanted was to be free- free from the tag ‘in a relationship’. She now disliked the word ‘love’. Her opinion changed in last few years. The person who meant everything for her had changed and so love slowly transformed into ‘taken for guaranteed’. She wanted to show him that she could live- live without him. And the thought that life would not be the same without him made her emotional. She knew it was the last time she was sitting in his room. Tears slowly found its way.

Suddenly, she heard the familiar sound of engine slowing down in the backyard. Few minutes later, there was a knock in the door. As she walked towards the door, confusions engulfed her.  Her heart wanted to be in his arms while her mind was adamant to call it off.                

Stamped

‘You killed my child. I would never forgive you,’ he said and slammed the door of her room. She was left there alone to bear the pain. That moment, she was unable to decide which was more painful- her pain or his words. She felt deep void within herself. She too had lost her child. She still remembered the day when the doctor disclosed that her report was positive. She was very happy. She became restless and it was difficult for her to wait for her husband till evening. She remembered how out of excitement and nervousness, she had messed up everything. She tried to share the happiness with her husband but failed terribly to tell the reason. And when she felt she could not, she handed the report to her husband. She observed her husband and his expressions. He smiled when he knew the real reason behind his wife’s happiness. He hugged her and planted a kiss on her forehead to calm her down. They shared a close moment with each other and she thanked him for he made her complete as a woman.  

 Last six months, she had only thought of her child- her first child. She waited eagerly for the moment when she would take her baby on her hands. Hardly did she know then that it would remain an unfulfilled wish.

As she stepped into the seventh month, her husband advised her to quit her job. She was working in a private school. She had been an independent girl since her college days and refused to do so. It was the question about her self- respect. So, she continued with her work ignoring her husband’s advice. Everything was going well until that fateful day. She was in the school. She was taking the last period in class VIII. She became too engrossed in the chapter that she did not care to look at the watch. Every day, she used to leave her class before the bell rang in order to avoid the last minute rush. But that day, the bell brought her back to reality. She was forced to accompany the students. As she came out of the class, she saw students were running towards the exit. She stood at one corner. Suddenly, a student pushed her. She could not keep her balance and fell on the floor. That student fell over her. After that, she did not know what happened. She became unconscious.

The moment she regained her senses back, she found herself in a room unfamiliar to her. She realized soon that she was in the hospital. She was under keen observation of the doctor. She was unable to move for her body was attached to all possible medical equipments available in her cabin. All her family members were there. But she could not see her husband. She sensed something was not right. She tried to think of all possibilities and suddenly her heart beat increased when the thought of her baby crossed her mind. She could not feel her child. Tears rolled down and she screamed in pain. Nobody could soothe her. She was uncontrollable. After sometime, she again lost her consciousness.

When she again opened her eyes it was midnight, as she presumed. She saw her husband sitting on a chair next to her bed. His face reflected their loss. Their baby was no longer part of their life. All the dreams that she had woven in past six months suddenly turned into her worst nightmare. She could neither accept the reality nor could she bear her husband’s silence. Every minute passed like a decade. Her husband had become a stranger. The night passed and they had not spoken a single word.

As the morning rays fell on the window pane of her cabin, she looked outside the window. She searched for hope. She had to live. She had to join the broken pieces of her life and mend them carefully. So she thought of giving the first step. She slowly reached for her husband’s hand. His hand was cold. She gathered all her strength to speak.

‘Our child...’ she said and stopped. She could not frame the next part. Tears slid down her cheeks. Her husband pushed his hand away and without looking at her eyes uttered, ‘You killed my child. I would never forgive you.’

Resolution

‘Mein tenu samjhawa ki, Naa tere bina lagda jee…’ she was humming the song while completing her assignments. She was unaware of the song she was singing until her inner voice confronted,

‘Isn’t this his favorite?’ She paused for a minute for she was someone who would never permit her inner self to add spark to some random thoughts. She reasoned a perfect answer. She claimed, ‘He does not have the patent of the song.’ Her inner self became silent as if supporting her argument. She felt a deep sense of pride for her mind had over and again proved to be more efficient. She then resumed back to her work with a deep sense of relief that she had shut the unconventional door.

‘It was not your favorite either,’ her inner voice interrupted.

She knew somewhere her mind was unable to impress her inner self. So, it became necessary for her to analyze the matter- the song which was the reason of conflict.

She flipped the pages of last few months of her life. She stopped when the page showed January 01, 2016. She wanted to make best use of this year. She wanted to do something out of her comfort zone. She made a list of things that she wished to accomplish by the end of the year. And the page she was now forced to analyze had in fact connections with her first resolution of the year.

Her first resolution was to choose someone randomly from her friend list and help him or her in some way. She wanted to be the messiah. Once her task was accomplished, she would walk away from that person’s life. But she again put a special condition to her resolution- the chosen person should not be one among her close friends.

She then prepared the list of names of such person from her facebook account. She made many chits and each chit bore a particular name. She kept all the chits in a glass bowl and then she picked one. She opened it and read the name – Ronit.

 Ronit was her colleague. She had hardly spoken to him but had observed him and his activities in last one year. He was sincere, sober and a very reserved person unlike her- chatterbox as all her friends called her. She knew it was difficult to accomplish her first resolution after she won Ronit in the lottery. Yet, she did not give a second thought and somehow managed to make an entry into the virtual world of Ronit. Time passed and their conversation increased. One night, they decided that they would meet for a cup of coffee. And for the first time, they had direct conversation in the real world. As days rolled by, Ronit became a part of her daily schedule. It seemed something was incomplete if she did not hear from him. And in the process, she had long back forgotten her resolution until her inner self confronted her.

She then realized that she had made a wrong resolution. Life did not work according to her stupid plans. Her resolution had formed whirlpools in her mind. She hated to clarify her inner self about Ronit. She did not want to get caged in someone’s thoughts. She had always been a free bird and wished to remain so.  

She decided to walk away from Ronit’s life. And her mind continued the legacy of winning again and again…

The Last Letter

As she fell asleep in her bed, I observed her from a very close distance. I was sitting in a chair just next to her. She looked pale and worn out. She never let her pain overcome her strength. But I could figure out very clearly that she was slowly submitting herself.  I had witnessed her good times and bad as well. She was someone who was eager to learn, to grow and delve more and more. She would laugh her heart out at all my jokes. She was mentally very sharp and was able to give perfect answer to my pranks. Her presence had made my life beautiful. She was like the sun rays for me who had filled my life with light from every corner. And now when the sun-rays started diminishing, a part of me had eloped somewhere. Every day, I would take her for a walk and would listen to all her philosophy which seemed stupid in the past. All I wanted was to see her happy. Her smile was my world. I wished I could rewind our years of togetherness. Alas! I could not. I was just capturing memories so that I could spend the rest of my life.

Suddenly, the moment that I never wanted to save had arrived. She was breathing heavily. She held her hand over mine. The touch of her weak hands broke me further from within. She smiled meekly.

‘Open the packet that I have left in your shelf after I am gone. There are five letters. Each of them is numbered. Don’t break the chain. Go and give the letter to the person addressed. Please fulfil my last wish...’

I could no longer hold back my tears. Before I could speak, she was gone- gone forever.

After she left, my world had changed. I became workaholic. I chose to stay away from home and would return late at night. Sometimes, I would stay back at office. One night, while I was returning back, suddenly I remembered her last wish. And the thought of being associated with her again made me restless. I wanted to fulfil her wish and I got a reason to live- to live for her wish. So, that moment I decided to take a leave and accomplish her dream. As soon as I reached home, I took out that packet from the shelf. I opened the packet. There were five envelopes and each was numbered as she had mentioned. I did as she had directed. I did not break the chain. One by one, I opened and delivered it to the person referred. Each envelope was addressed to that person who mattered most in her life.  The first envelope was addressed to her cousin sister whom she loved the most. The second envelope was addressed to her best friend, the third one to her secret lover, the fourth one to her favorite teacher and the fifth one was without any address. At first, I could not make sense of it. But later, I understood- I understood clearly of her intentions.

I opened the last envelope and found a hand written letter. It was addressed to me- her dadabhai.

Dear Dadabhai,

Hope you had come to terms with the reality of life. You would for sure because you had accepted and faced all challenges of life strongly. And so I believed you had accepted my sudden farewell too. I was destined to go on an unknown journey where nobody could trace me- not even you. Trust me; you had done whatever you could. So, never blame yourself for failing to delay my departure. I considered myself lucky for I had the best brother in the world. I had given you so much pain while I was there and still I was bothering you with my last wish. A big round of applaud for you from the heavens above for fulfilling my last wish- the last wish of your only sister. I really meant it- thank you.

You had been my ideal and the one whom I considered Mr. Perfect. And I wanted you to be like that always. Please don’t engross yourself with work. You had to keep a balance between your personal and professional life. Had I not gone on a permanent vacation, then also one day we would have to part- part our ways.

...

...

With love,

 Chintu Candy.

I could not read her complete letter. Tears started rolling down and hardly could I see anything. The name ‘Chintu Candy’, as I used to call her, made me more emotional. I close my eyes and hold her last remains- the letter close to my heart.

New Beginning

Everyone was restless. Air of tension ran across the faces. Unable to cope with this anymore, I decided to take a walk in the corridor. As I was tolling, something made me more curious and I decided to peep in unaware of what awaited for me. A glimpse that turned into the worst nightmare, I had ever thought of. I never knew that I would come across him like this in my life. He was fighting for his life and I had the slightest clue of this. I wanted to get in and how badly I wished to tell him how my heart craved for him. I wished I could hug him, throw myself on his arms and cry like a new born. And he, in turn, would console me by running his fingers on my hair. He would do all crazy things to make me smile. I stood there unable to decide my next step. He was lying inside armed with heavy machines.

‘Don’t get inside. Let him sleep,’ a lady dressed in white interrupted. I had no option but to follow her orders. I sat on one of the two abandoned chairs outside his room. Suddenly, I wanted to know what brought him there. What had happened to him in last five years? Had he been punished? Did God really hear my silent prayers?  Many questions started ringing in my thoughts. I never wanted to meet him again but destiny brought me to the same track which I left years ago. I realized some chapters of life could be never erased from memories. And he was that chapter which followed me like the shadow.

All memories were still afresh in my mind. I still remember that fateful day when I finally accepted his proposal after several no episodes. At first, I liked the attention and all the love he showered upon me. But as time passed, his love turned into obsession. If I chose to avoid his calls, he would leave his classes and would be there right outside my classroom. He had become my shadow who even without my permission would follow me.

As time rolled on, I was afraid- afraid of everything. His abusive nature was unbearable for me. I became physically and mentally weak. And when I could not deal with the situation any longer, I told my parents everything. But situation worsened. He started threatening my parents. I was under surveillance and one of my family members always accompanied me. I lost self confidence and self respect. I felt pity for myself and I was unable to face my parents. Sometimes in the darkest hour of night, thoughts of putting an end to the pain permanently would cross my mind.

 Seeing me in such circumstances, my parents thought of discussing the matter with one of our family friends who was a chartered accountant and a lawyer by profession. He was young, dynamic and a much matured person. Mr. CA was 4 years older to me and had achieved more than others of his age. He handled my case in a very professional way. And in a few months, the shadow faded from my life. I started reliving my life back. Not only did Mr. CA bring light in my life but also gave new meaning to it. I became stronger mentally and had learnt to decide between right and wrong. And the best decision I took in my life was choosing Mr. CA as my life partner.

I was completely lost in my thoughts when my mother interrupted, ‘Where have you been, Pahi?

I was just...

Before I could complete, my mother told me that our family was gifted with a little princess. And as soon as I heard that, I ran happily towards my elder sister’s cabin. As I ran, my past slipped away and I looked forward towards a new beginning.

Unrequited Love

She sat still on the chair; a portion of her paralyzed. She tried her best to move her lips. She could not. She tried to figure out what others were discussing, but failed to do so. ‘Have I become deaf?’ she thought. She recalled all those things that could inspire her at the moment- words of great philosophers or one of her achievements after a long struggle. Nothing could affect her. Her soul had been transformed to some other body for she could not feel her soul.

‘Darling, darling stand by me...’ echoed. Her eyeballs moved and her hands showed fast movement; within a second the music stopped. She sighed a deep relief as anyone had hardly noticed. She was now certain that she was neither deaf nor dead. But she had nothing to rejoice for she was partially alive. She stood up when her mother signaled her to accompany the guests to the door. She did as was expected. She had no choice.

‘Who called you?’ her mother asked.

She was least surprised; her mother hardly missed anything.

‘Vodafone Customer Care,’ she replied.

Her mother did not make further inquiry.

‘The boy is charming, well-behaved, highly qualified...’ her mother confirmed with other members of the family.

She said nothing. She had not looked at the boy even once.

‘Do you like the boy?’ all her family members asked in unison.

She did not know what to say. She wished she could give the real answer. She thought and somehow framed, ‘I do not have any reason to reject the proposal.’ She said and slowly walked to her room. She could hear the wicked laugh behind her back.

‘I have his contact number. Shall I give him, yours?’ her mother mocked.

She did not respond. She locked herself in her room and looked at her cell- a missed call. She dropped her cell and looked outside her window. She silently wept, allowing her emotions to run across her cheeks. She wanted to flush out her feelings from her system. She could no longer hold her feelings back. She knew she was never loved and she hated herself for she used herself, her feelings to be exploited again and again. She felt void within herself. Out of frustration, she stared at the far away horizon wondering whether she would find love ever.

Guilt

                                                      

The last sip and the glass got emptied. It seemed as if the empty bottle danced with excitement; it finally had succeeded in making me fall in love with it. The armchair, the empty bottle and the empty glass had been the witnesses of my pain. I lit a cigarette and spilled the frustration in the air, my nose and mouth supporting me in the process. I enjoyed those silent moments for I did not have to hear my wife’s list of craps. I took one after another stroke with the hope that it would put an end to the turmoil inside me. But eventually, I realized that some episodes could never be deleted, how hard even you tried. I had suppressed the chapter for last ten years and never thought that one day it would reopen again. She had come back not as my virtual lover but as one of my senior’s wife. I saw her after so many years but could not find strength to face her. She had not changed; she was the same, the same person I had known for seventeen years. She was the person who knew me better than anyone else in the world. I never thought she would fall in love with me- the Casanova me. I could still recall that night clearly when she expressed her love with a puzzle that she had asked me to solve. I played with her patience and begged her to give me some hints. She did give one after another and finally she expressed her feelings with a beautifully framed line. I did not reply and until today I could not find the reasons. She waited eagerly. I did not turn up and my silence spoke many unspoken words. She was someone who would never give up so easily. She and her stupid ways made me feel special. I loved her poems that she wrote for me during odd hours of night. She was different from all I had known, flirted or loved. She was the only unique piece- hard to find but easy to exploit for she trusted me blindly; though I never did anything that would break her trust. I did not love her but she was very special to me. I did not know how but slowly all barriers between us decreased and we ended up being virtual lovers. We shared virtual intimacy that was intense and deep. I did never feel the same with my wife for it was more like a routine that our physical self craved and nothing else. Sometimes in the dark hours of night when she would cross my thoughts, I ended up questioning myself; would my life have been different with her? Would my life have changed if I had held her hand? I knew the answer but I was afraid to admit to myself. In fact, I had different opinion. I always felt that she deserved the best person in the world. I never counted me as the one with whom she would be happy and so I put down her proposals. Was I stupid? I did not speak a single word when she told me that her marriage was fixed. Hardly did I know then that I would pity myself in the future and would blame myself for not reciprocating her love and exploiting her feelings. I was not sure whether a glimpse of her face had fueled the suppressed feelings or the liquor was having its toll on me. I was lost- lost completely in the dark and was unable to figure out the way to the bedroom. I failed to stand properly on my legs and fell on the floor. My eyes slowly closed and that moment I secretly wished I were dead. 

Materialistic Love

It was already midnight. I assumed it was the coldest night of the year since my ears failed to track any sound. The tick-tack of the clock and the heart beats of the partial insomniac were only audible. It was more than an hour that I had been turning sides; but it seemed sleep had deceived me for his words were framing many theories in my mind. His words were ringing again and again. ‘All girls are the same. You are not an exception. You, too, will choose one with fat bank balance.’ I was shocked for it was least expected from him. I had high regards for him. But his words made me feel miserable. And it was hard for me to accept that he was not the same person I had known since my post graduation years. And that moment, I wished I could go back and delete the last 24 hours of my life.

24 January, 2016

12:10 am.

It was another usual night and I was doing my scheduled routine work- chatting over WhatsApp. Most of my friends had already retired to their bed and were fast asleep. And the only person available at that hour of night was my best friend, Mr. Executive, who had been preparing for IES and the pace with which he had been studying; it seemed he would crack the entrance this year. It was nothing like we were having an exciting conversation. Well, you could guess, he had many important works rather than having chat with ‘the boring’ me. We cut short our conversation to day’s activities and then wished each other good night. After he left, I scrolled down the list of contacts in WhatsApp. I had a habit (good or bad, I’m not sure yet) of reading other people’s status and if the status revealed something unusual then I had the peculiar character of knocking at the perspective person’s door. And I did find one- ‘Love kills, life sucks...’ I would not have bothered if it was the status of one of my friend who had updated after having a fight with his/her beau. It was the status of a person whom I knew to be practical, far from being emotional and a person with positive attitude. When I met him during my post graduation days, he was focused, clear about his goals in life and had the capability to achieve everything in life. He was my senior and had always been a guide and a friend to me. As I was the only girl in my batch, he was very careful that I did not feel left out. He used to tell me everything- be it his future plans or his girlfriend. As planned, he did join his dream job after completing masters. And as days passed, he got busy with his life and job. He valued our friendship for he never missed to wish me on special days and my respect for him increased with time. But in last one year, I did not receive a single call from him though I received messages from him. He even stopped responding to my calls. I thought he might be busy with his work and so never tried to know the reason behind his silence. But when I read his status, I assumed that something was wrong. My inquisitiveness increased and I texted him that I need to talk to him. He replied back that he would call me in the morning. Every minute passed like an hour and I did not know when I fell asleep. When I woke up in the morning, his status was still dancing in my mind. I waited for his call and each time my cell rang, I thought it was him. He did call me but in the late afternoon. He thought I need his help for some project. When I told him the main reason-his status, he was shocked. There was a silence for a minute or two. I thought he had disconnected the call. He was there. I asked him directly about Annakshi, his girlfriend. He was in rage and I could sense that from his voice. He said, ‘She left me. She broke an eight year long relationship for an NRI and had settled in the States. All girls are the same. You are not an exception. You, too, will choose one with fat bank balance.’ And he hanged up. 

The Letter

Leaving behind the busy routine life, I took refuge at the ghats of Sukreswar temple. I loved this place and specially the view of the river Brahmaputra. I sat there in silence and observed the ferries. There was so much peace and solace. After some time, I thought of taking a walk. The water had dried up and it felt good to walk barefoot over the sand. Suddenly, my eyes fell on a girl who was throwing something. I thought she might be doing some rituals and ignored her. Soon after, she turned and started walking towards me. I found her, a girl of my age. Her hands were loaded with bangles and her hair nicely parted in the middle, revealing her marital status. As she passed by, I saw her crying and within no time she was out of my sight. I felt something peculiar.  So, I walked to the spot where I saw her for the first time. I started picking up the scattered items. Whatever, I found, did not serve the purpose of satisfying my curiosity. So half-halfheartedly, I started walking back in opposite direction. There I found something interesting- a wet piece of paper.

Oct. 18, 2015

Dear Shona,

 When I look back and turn every chapter of my life, you seem to be the best chapter. There have been many beautiful episodes of our friendship: our long conversation ending with useless small fight, texting every now and then, challenging you on small petty things, arguing with you and always ending on the losing side...Many memories run at high speed and finally stop at the last station where our track changed. You decided to board another train with the memories of your best friend leaving behind the person who loved you. I stood there with the memories of my best friend and letting the person I loved; go.

I have tried hard to forget you. But it seems you have become my shadow. Each night, I sleep with you in my thoughts. And the next morning, your name is the first word that comes in my thoughts when I open my eyes. To add more, your name follows me everywhere. The bus in which I travel bears your name. Even my boss shares your name. All throughout the day, I see or hear your name many a times. Can I really ignore your presence in such circumstances?

Life is not the same after we have parted our ways. It has been a long time since I have smiled or laughed. Days are somehow spent but nights have become longer. My eyes never close and tears refuse to stop. I have chosen this path for me and now I am forced to walk on that path. Sometimes, I feel that it would have been better if we remained friends. But the thought that you never loved me, stopped me from contacting you again.

I don’t know but I always wished for a miracle. I thought one day you would come back to the station where you left me. But you did not.

And the day when my words would reach you, I would have by then boarded a train with someone else.

With love,

I remain,

Yours darling.

I dropped the letter where she wanted to. There was no longer serenity in the surroundings.  The reason why I was there suddenly seemed meaningless. I slowly walked back to the ghats: thanking my busy schedule for I had no time to look back at the closed chapter of my life.