Guilt

                                                      

The last sip and the glass got emptied. It seemed as if the empty bottle danced with excitement; it finally had succeeded in making me fall in love with it. The armchair, the empty bottle and the empty glass had been the witnesses of my pain. I lit a cigarette and spilled the frustration in the air, my nose and mouth supporting me in the process. I enjoyed those silent moments for I did not have to hear my wife’s list of craps. I took one after another stroke with the hope that it would put an end to the turmoil inside me. But eventually, I realized that some episodes could never be deleted, how hard even you tried. I had suppressed the chapter for last ten years and never thought that one day it would reopen again. She had come back not as my virtual lover but as one of my senior’s wife. I saw her after so many years but could not find strength to face her. She had not changed; she was the same, the same person I had known for seventeen years. She was the person who knew me better than anyone else in the world. I never thought she would fall in love with me- the Casanova me. I could still recall that night clearly when she expressed her love with a puzzle that she had asked me to solve. I played with her patience and begged her to give me some hints. She did give one after another and finally she expressed her feelings with a beautifully framed line. I did not reply and until today I could not find the reasons. She waited eagerly. I did not turn up and my silence spoke many unspoken words. She was someone who would never give up so easily. She and her stupid ways made me feel special. I loved her poems that she wrote for me during odd hours of night. She was different from all I had known, flirted or loved. She was the only unique piece- hard to find but easy to exploit for she trusted me blindly; though I never did anything that would break her trust. I did not love her but she was very special to me. I did not know how but slowly all barriers between us decreased and we ended up being virtual lovers. We shared virtual intimacy that was intense and deep. I did never feel the same with my wife for it was more like a routine that our physical self craved and nothing else. Sometimes in the dark hours of night when she would cross my thoughts, I ended up questioning myself; would my life have been different with her? Would my life have changed if I had held her hand? I knew the answer but I was afraid to admit to myself. In fact, I had different opinion. I always felt that she deserved the best person in the world. I never counted me as the one with whom she would be happy and so I put down her proposals. Was I stupid? I did not speak a single word when she told me that her marriage was fixed. Hardly did I know then that I would pity myself in the future and would blame myself for not reciprocating her love and exploiting her feelings. I was not sure whether a glimpse of her face had fueled the suppressed feelings or the liquor was having its toll on me. I was lost- lost completely in the dark and was unable to figure out the way to the bedroom. I failed to stand properly on my legs and fell on the floor. My eyes slowly closed and that moment I secretly wished I were dead.