The Last Letter

As she fell asleep in her bed, I observed her from a very close distance. I was sitting in a chair just next to her. She looked pale and worn out. She never let her pain overcome her strength. But I could figure out very clearly that she was slowly submitting herself.  I had witnessed her good times and bad as well. She was someone who was eager to learn, to grow and delve more and more. She would laugh her heart out at all my jokes. She was mentally very sharp and was able to give perfect answer to my pranks. Her presence had made my life beautiful. She was like the sun rays for me who had filled my life with light from every corner. And now when the sun-rays started diminishing, a part of me had eloped somewhere. Every day, I would take her for a walk and would listen to all her philosophy which seemed stupid in the past. All I wanted was to see her happy. Her smile was my world. I wished I could rewind our years of togetherness. Alas! I could not. I was just capturing memories so that I could spend the rest of my life.

Suddenly, the moment that I never wanted to save had arrived. She was breathing heavily. She held her hand over mine. The touch of her weak hands broke me further from within. She smiled meekly.

‘Open the packet that I have left in your shelf after I am gone. There are five letters. Each of them is numbered. Don’t break the chain. Go and give the letter to the person addressed. Please fulfil my last wish...’

I could no longer hold back my tears. Before I could speak, she was gone- gone forever.

After she left, my world had changed. I became workaholic. I chose to stay away from home and would return late at night. Sometimes, I would stay back at office. One night, while I was returning back, suddenly I remembered her last wish. And the thought of being associated with her again made me restless. I wanted to fulfil her wish and I got a reason to live- to live for her wish. So, that moment I decided to take a leave and accomplish her dream. As soon as I reached home, I took out that packet from the shelf. I opened the packet. There were five envelopes and each was numbered as she had mentioned. I did as she had directed. I did not break the chain. One by one, I opened and delivered it to the person referred. Each envelope was addressed to that person who mattered most in her life.  The first envelope was addressed to her cousin sister whom she loved the most. The second envelope was addressed to her best friend, the third one to her secret lover, the fourth one to her favorite teacher and the fifth one was without any address. At first, I could not make sense of it. But later, I understood- I understood clearly of her intentions.

I opened the last envelope and found a hand written letter. It was addressed to me- her dadabhai.

Dear Dadabhai,

Hope you had come to terms with the reality of life. You would for sure because you had accepted and faced all challenges of life strongly. And so I believed you had accepted my sudden farewell too. I was destined to go on an unknown journey where nobody could trace me- not even you. Trust me; you had done whatever you could. So, never blame yourself for failing to delay my departure. I considered myself lucky for I had the best brother in the world. I had given you so much pain while I was there and still I was bothering you with my last wish. A big round of applaud for you from the heavens above for fulfilling my last wish- the last wish of your only sister. I really meant it- thank you.

You had been my ideal and the one whom I considered Mr. Perfect. And I wanted you to be like that always. Please don’t engross yourself with work. You had to keep a balance between your personal and professional life. Had I not gone on a permanent vacation, then also one day we would have to part- part our ways.

...

...

With love,

 Chintu Candy.

I could not read her complete letter. Tears started rolling down and hardly could I see anything. The name ‘Chintu Candy’, as I used to call her, made me more emotional. I close my eyes and hold her last remains- the letter close to my heart.

New Beginning

Everyone was restless. Air of tension ran across the faces. Unable to cope with this anymore, I decided to take a walk in the corridor. As I was tolling, something made me more curious and I decided to peep in unaware of what awaited for me. A glimpse that turned into the worst nightmare, I had ever thought of. I never knew that I would come across him like this in my life. He was fighting for his life and I had the slightest clue of this. I wanted to get in and how badly I wished to tell him how my heart craved for him. I wished I could hug him, throw myself on his arms and cry like a new born. And he, in turn, would console me by running his fingers on my hair. He would do all crazy things to make me smile. I stood there unable to decide my next step. He was lying inside armed with heavy machines.

‘Don’t get inside. Let him sleep,’ a lady dressed in white interrupted. I had no option but to follow her orders. I sat on one of the two abandoned chairs outside his room. Suddenly, I wanted to know what brought him there. What had happened to him in last five years? Had he been punished? Did God really hear my silent prayers?  Many questions started ringing in my thoughts. I never wanted to meet him again but destiny brought me to the same track which I left years ago. I realized some chapters of life could be never erased from memories. And he was that chapter which followed me like the shadow.

All memories were still afresh in my mind. I still remember that fateful day when I finally accepted his proposal after several no episodes. At first, I liked the attention and all the love he showered upon me. But as time passed, his love turned into obsession. If I chose to avoid his calls, he would leave his classes and would be there right outside my classroom. He had become my shadow who even without my permission would follow me.

As time rolled on, I was afraid- afraid of everything. His abusive nature was unbearable for me. I became physically and mentally weak. And when I could not deal with the situation any longer, I told my parents everything. But situation worsened. He started threatening my parents. I was under surveillance and one of my family members always accompanied me. I lost self confidence and self respect. I felt pity for myself and I was unable to face my parents. Sometimes in the darkest hour of night, thoughts of putting an end to the pain permanently would cross my mind.

 Seeing me in such circumstances, my parents thought of discussing the matter with one of our family friends who was a chartered accountant and a lawyer by profession. He was young, dynamic and a much matured person. Mr. CA was 4 years older to me and had achieved more than others of his age. He handled my case in a very professional way. And in a few months, the shadow faded from my life. I started reliving my life back. Not only did Mr. CA bring light in my life but also gave new meaning to it. I became stronger mentally and had learnt to decide between right and wrong. And the best decision I took in my life was choosing Mr. CA as my life partner.

I was completely lost in my thoughts when my mother interrupted, ‘Where have you been, Pahi?

I was just...

Before I could complete, my mother told me that our family was gifted with a little princess. And as soon as I heard that, I ran happily towards my elder sister’s cabin. As I ran, my past slipped away and I looked forward towards a new beginning.

Unrequited Love

She sat still on the chair; a portion of her paralyzed. She tried her best to move her lips. She could not. She tried to figure out what others were discussing, but failed to do so. ‘Have I become deaf?’ she thought. She recalled all those things that could inspire her at the moment- words of great philosophers or one of her achievements after a long struggle. Nothing could affect her. Her soul had been transformed to some other body for she could not feel her soul.

‘Darling, darling stand by me...’ echoed. Her eyeballs moved and her hands showed fast movement; within a second the music stopped. She sighed a deep relief as anyone had hardly noticed. She was now certain that she was neither deaf nor dead. But she had nothing to rejoice for she was partially alive. She stood up when her mother signaled her to accompany the guests to the door. She did as was expected. She had no choice.

‘Who called you?’ her mother asked.

She was least surprised; her mother hardly missed anything.

‘Vodafone Customer Care,’ she replied.

Her mother did not make further inquiry.

‘The boy is charming, well-behaved, highly qualified...’ her mother confirmed with other members of the family.

She said nothing. She had not looked at the boy even once.

‘Do you like the boy?’ all her family members asked in unison.

She did not know what to say. She wished she could give the real answer. She thought and somehow framed, ‘I do not have any reason to reject the proposal.’ She said and slowly walked to her room. She could hear the wicked laugh behind her back.

‘I have his contact number. Shall I give him, yours?’ her mother mocked.

She did not respond. She locked herself in her room and looked at her cell- a missed call. She dropped her cell and looked outside her window. She silently wept, allowing her emotions to run across her cheeks. She wanted to flush out her feelings from her system. She could no longer hold her feelings back. She knew she was never loved and she hated herself for she used herself, her feelings to be exploited again and again. She felt void within herself. Out of frustration, she stared at the far away horizon wondering whether she would find love ever.

Guilt

                                                      

The last sip and the glass got emptied. It seemed as if the empty bottle danced with excitement; it finally had succeeded in making me fall in love with it. The armchair, the empty bottle and the empty glass had been the witnesses of my pain. I lit a cigarette and spilled the frustration in the air, my nose and mouth supporting me in the process. I enjoyed those silent moments for I did not have to hear my wife’s list of craps. I took one after another stroke with the hope that it would put an end to the turmoil inside me. But eventually, I realized that some episodes could never be deleted, how hard even you tried. I had suppressed the chapter for last ten years and never thought that one day it would reopen again. She had come back not as my virtual lover but as one of my senior’s wife. I saw her after so many years but could not find strength to face her. She had not changed; she was the same, the same person I had known for seventeen years. She was the person who knew me better than anyone else in the world. I never thought she would fall in love with me- the Casanova me. I could still recall that night clearly when she expressed her love with a puzzle that she had asked me to solve. I played with her patience and begged her to give me some hints. She did give one after another and finally she expressed her feelings with a beautifully framed line. I did not reply and until today I could not find the reasons. She waited eagerly. I did not turn up and my silence spoke many unspoken words. She was someone who would never give up so easily. She and her stupid ways made me feel special. I loved her poems that she wrote for me during odd hours of night. She was different from all I had known, flirted or loved. She was the only unique piece- hard to find but easy to exploit for she trusted me blindly; though I never did anything that would break her trust. I did not love her but she was very special to me. I did not know how but slowly all barriers between us decreased and we ended up being virtual lovers. We shared virtual intimacy that was intense and deep. I did never feel the same with my wife for it was more like a routine that our physical self craved and nothing else. Sometimes in the dark hours of night when she would cross my thoughts, I ended up questioning myself; would my life have been different with her? Would my life have changed if I had held her hand? I knew the answer but I was afraid to admit to myself. In fact, I had different opinion. I always felt that she deserved the best person in the world. I never counted me as the one with whom she would be happy and so I put down her proposals. Was I stupid? I did not speak a single word when she told me that her marriage was fixed. Hardly did I know then that I would pity myself in the future and would blame myself for not reciprocating her love and exploiting her feelings. I was not sure whether a glimpse of her face had fueled the suppressed feelings or the liquor was having its toll on me. I was lost- lost completely in the dark and was unable to figure out the way to the bedroom. I failed to stand properly on my legs and fell on the floor. My eyes slowly closed and that moment I secretly wished I were dead. 

Materialistic Love

It was already midnight. I assumed it was the coldest night of the year since my ears failed to track any sound. The tick-tack of the clock and the heart beats of the partial insomniac were only audible. It was more than an hour that I had been turning sides; but it seemed sleep had deceived me for his words were framing many theories in my mind. His words were ringing again and again. ‘All girls are the same. You are not an exception. You, too, will choose one with fat bank balance.’ I was shocked for it was least expected from him. I had high regards for him. But his words made me feel miserable. And it was hard for me to accept that he was not the same person I had known since my post graduation years. And that moment, I wished I could go back and delete the last 24 hours of my life.

24 January, 2016

12:10 am.

It was another usual night and I was doing my scheduled routine work- chatting over WhatsApp. Most of my friends had already retired to their bed and were fast asleep. And the only person available at that hour of night was my best friend, Mr. Executive, who had been preparing for IES and the pace with which he had been studying; it seemed he would crack the entrance this year. It was nothing like we were having an exciting conversation. Well, you could guess, he had many important works rather than having chat with ‘the boring’ me. We cut short our conversation to day’s activities and then wished each other good night. After he left, I scrolled down the list of contacts in WhatsApp. I had a habit (good or bad, I’m not sure yet) of reading other people’s status and if the status revealed something unusual then I had the peculiar character of knocking at the perspective person’s door. And I did find one- ‘Love kills, life sucks...’ I would not have bothered if it was the status of one of my friend who had updated after having a fight with his/her beau. It was the status of a person whom I knew to be practical, far from being emotional and a person with positive attitude. When I met him during my post graduation days, he was focused, clear about his goals in life and had the capability to achieve everything in life. He was my senior and had always been a guide and a friend to me. As I was the only girl in my batch, he was very careful that I did not feel left out. He used to tell me everything- be it his future plans or his girlfriend. As planned, he did join his dream job after completing masters. And as days passed, he got busy with his life and job. He valued our friendship for he never missed to wish me on special days and my respect for him increased with time. But in last one year, I did not receive a single call from him though I received messages from him. He even stopped responding to my calls. I thought he might be busy with his work and so never tried to know the reason behind his silence. But when I read his status, I assumed that something was wrong. My inquisitiveness increased and I texted him that I need to talk to him. He replied back that he would call me in the morning. Every minute passed like an hour and I did not know when I fell asleep. When I woke up in the morning, his status was still dancing in my mind. I waited for his call and each time my cell rang, I thought it was him. He did call me but in the late afternoon. He thought I need his help for some project. When I told him the main reason-his status, he was shocked. There was a silence for a minute or two. I thought he had disconnected the call. He was there. I asked him directly about Annakshi, his girlfriend. He was in rage and I could sense that from his voice. He said, ‘She left me. She broke an eight year long relationship for an NRI and had settled in the States. All girls are the same. You are not an exception. You, too, will choose one with fat bank balance.’ And he hanged up. 

The Letter

Leaving behind the busy routine life, I took refuge at the ghats of Sukreswar temple. I loved this place and specially the view of the river Brahmaputra. I sat there in silence and observed the ferries. There was so much peace and solace. After some time, I thought of taking a walk. The water had dried up and it felt good to walk barefoot over the sand. Suddenly, my eyes fell on a girl who was throwing something. I thought she might be doing some rituals and ignored her. Soon after, she turned and started walking towards me. I found her, a girl of my age. Her hands were loaded with bangles and her hair nicely parted in the middle, revealing her marital status. As she passed by, I saw her crying and within no time she was out of my sight. I felt something peculiar.  So, I walked to the spot where I saw her for the first time. I started picking up the scattered items. Whatever, I found, did not serve the purpose of satisfying my curiosity. So half-halfheartedly, I started walking back in opposite direction. There I found something interesting- a wet piece of paper.

Oct. 18, 2015

Dear Shona,

 When I look back and turn every chapter of my life, you seem to be the best chapter. There have been many beautiful episodes of our friendship: our long conversation ending with useless small fight, texting every now and then, challenging you on small petty things, arguing with you and always ending on the losing side...Many memories run at high speed and finally stop at the last station where our track changed. You decided to board another train with the memories of your best friend leaving behind the person who loved you. I stood there with the memories of my best friend and letting the person I loved; go.

I have tried hard to forget you. But it seems you have become my shadow. Each night, I sleep with you in my thoughts. And the next morning, your name is the first word that comes in my thoughts when I open my eyes. To add more, your name follows me everywhere. The bus in which I travel bears your name. Even my boss shares your name. All throughout the day, I see or hear your name many a times. Can I really ignore your presence in such circumstances?

Life is not the same after we have parted our ways. It has been a long time since I have smiled or laughed. Days are somehow spent but nights have become longer. My eyes never close and tears refuse to stop. I have chosen this path for me and now I am forced to walk on that path. Sometimes, I feel that it would have been better if we remained friends. But the thought that you never loved me, stopped me from contacting you again.

I don’t know but I always wished for a miracle. I thought one day you would come back to the station where you left me. But you did not.

And the day when my words would reach you, I would have by then boarded a train with someone else.

With love,

I remain,

Yours darling.

I dropped the letter where she wanted to. There was no longer serenity in the surroundings.  The reason why I was there suddenly seemed meaningless. I slowly walked back to the ghats: thanking my busy schedule for I had no time to look back at the closed chapter of my life.

A Lover's Dismay

He waited eagerly, 
For he thought-
She would cross his path
Like before.
All through out the day-
Just wishing 
To hear from her,
Counting stars at night,
Making secret wishes...
Days passed,
Weeks rolled by,
And at last-
His wish was rewarded;
At the end of the month-
A message flashed;
'She is no more,'
Her mother wrote...
He screamed in pain,
For he knew-
She would never cross his path again...