A letter from a daughter to her father.

                                                                                      

Dear Dad,

Hope you are relaxed now as the roof of tension has finally collapsed, giving space for fresh air. I am happy that now onwards you will have a good sleep. Life will be better now and you can enjoy the way you want for your worries are no more with you.

When the sun rays will fall in the window of your bedroom, you will welcome your day with open arms for worries will no longer bother you. You can have different conversations while sipping your morning tea at the dining table or in the balcony. Finally, you will have other topics to talk to.

You can go on a vacation around the world. Dad, I hope, you will go on a tour with mom. This time you won’t give any excuse. You can enjoy your vacation for you don’t need to think about your worries any more.

You no longer need to tell each of our nearest kin about your worry. You have finally got rid of your worry-your daughter. Congratulations dad for dropping me in the road that society chooses for every girl. Congratulations dad for abiding by the societal rules. Congratulations dad for fulfilling the duty of a girl’s father.

I was proud of you. When I was a child, I believed that whatever be, you would stand by me and my dreams. You would help me lead a life of my own. But as I grew older, either my thoughts changed or you. Last few years, I have seen your worried face.  With each passing day, your worry increased. I could not recall when you went on a vacation last. All I remember was your words to mom or others, “After her marriage, I will go on a vacation.”

Dad, I am sorry for being a girl. I always wished for your happiness, but I became your reason to worry.  I really felt ashamed of myself when you would request others to find a perfect match for me.

I still remember the day when you smiled and called all your friends and relatives. The news of my marriage gave you that happiness which my qualifications and job failed to do.  When you hugged me tight that day, tears rolled down my cheek. The thoughts that rang in my mind, then, I now penned it down here how I actually felt?

I look at your eyes

For the last time

With love, hope...

Tears drop down

And my tears

Questioned you

Why?

Why have you chosen the same fate?

Are these your ultimate dreams, you selected for me?

Where have your expectations gone?

Or, simply

You choose this fate

Because I’m a girl...

Dad, I sometimes, thought to myself, “Is it right to kill a new born baby girl?” And now I got my answer. Indeed, it is. What is the use of nurturing with love when her birth only brings a list of worries along? It is better to kill worries rather than giving unwanted welcome. It is better to crush the bud rather than stopping the flower to spread its fragrance.

Dad, you loved me and I would never question you on this. But I would like to know, “Am I unwanted furniture? Don’t I have the right to dream? Am I born to satisfy society?”

Dad, if my marriage is all you cared for. “Why do you inspire me to stand on my feet?” If I was a destined cripple, then why did you allow me to dream?

Dad, at sleepless nights, I always prayed to almighty that our family, sorry I don’t have the right to call it ‘our’ even, should be blessed with sons.

Thank you, dad, for everything. I had troubled you a lot. But I promise I won’t trouble you anymore. I would walk the path you have chosen for me. I promise I would not scream for your help if I ever fell down.

Love you forever.

I remain,

Your only daughter,

Ananya.

Days after You left.

I am strong; I keep reminding myself all the time. It is just a phase and I will evolve into a strong being who can withstand everything. I promise myself I will not cry but every night I end up crying and falling asleep. Next morning, I wake up with swollen eyes and the whole day I narrate an imaginative story to people. I have indeed become strong in hiding my emotions and winning the hearts of people around me through fake smile. The way I carry myself in public, I am certain no one has the slightest clue of the cyclone inside me. I am living two lives at one time. Whenever I am with others, I am happy and in cheerful mood. But whenever I am alone, I cry and flip the pages of my past. Loneliness stings me. I cry till I feel short of breathe. Finally, I realize I can’t recover from you so easily. You have become my habit, my behaviour and my character. I live with you in me.

You are gone forever. I have to learn to walk without you. I will fumble, I may even fall but I have to learn to give steps on my own. And I thought of some strategies that others around the world have done to recover from the disease called heart break.   

Strategy 1

I deleted your number from my mobile. I deleted all our conversations. I did not keep any evidence of your existence. I stopped using WhatsApp. Even, I started keeping my cell phone in silent mode.

Strategy 2

I stopped visiting the places that once I had been with you. Those places were my favourite once upon a time, now those stood in my blacklisted areas.

Strategy 3

I started pressurizing myself with extra work. I became so busy that I had no time to waste for your thought. I started bringing work back at home.

Strategy 4

I started reading books all the time. On my way to work, I read. At work, if I had free time, I read. Basically, I indulged myself with books. My table at work place had books everywhere and at home my table was over loaded. Even I kept a book with me in my bed.

Strategy 5

Meditation became an important part of my life. I started observing my thoughts. Meditating helped me relax for a while.

Strategy 6

I began noting down my thoughts. I used to write whenever you came in my thoughts. Every time, you knocked I put a cross in my diary.

After two weeks, I sat down to analyse my condition. My diary was full of crosses. My mobile did not have your number. But my mind remembered your number. Every night, I used to visit your profile and sleep only after my eyes became tired of crying or staring, I don’t know which I should consider first. Strategies worked or failed, I could not conclude till now. I am trying but I fail every second. I see you while I meditate and I become more restless. I save your number daily and then delete it many times. I watch many motivational videos. It helps me but again I fall prey in the hands of darkness, when lights are switched off, when I lay still in my bed. I can’t help but remember you.

I have tried other measures as well. Every time, you peep in, I remind myself, ‘He does not love you. He will forget you in no time. He will marry someone within a year. Your presence or absence does not affect him. He never cared for you. You are not worthy of his love.’ But even these words fail to move me.

I know the reality, I accept the reality but I cannot give deaf ears to my feelings and emotions. A person’s rejection or acceptance has nothing to do with my feelings. I am proud of my emotions. I proudly accept my love for you.  I will hope for a miracle till destiny takes me on another ride. I will keep praying to gods and the universe for you.  I will wait for your arrival until you take another flight.

  

  

Poem

I boarded the train,
I knew not the station-
Where I was supposed to go?
And I questioned every Co passenger
They listened to me.
Some suggested the names of stations,
Some ignored,
Some laughed at my condition,
Some scrutinized me,
Some tagged me new names,
Some promised to be with me.
But,
All left.
None stayed till I reached my destination.
I am still on that train,
Trying to find my station...

Mind Game

Every night, I wait for him to come online. Sometimes, my wait is shorter while sometimes it is longer than a day. I am restless. And each time my cell beeps, I check if it is his message. Sometimes, my cell disappoints me. But most of the time my cell drops a smile. And I am lucky that Mr. Corporate pings me once he is online.

One night, he started testing my intelligence. And the questions were tricky. I answered, but I am sure I scored below average. Being a Scorpion, I can’t let go things easily. So, after a few days, I decided to play his game with him.

“Suppose I am a book, then which chapter will you prefer to read or will you just keep it aside?” I asked.

“Okay, interesting. I think I would start with your present first, then go to your past and then see, think and read your future.”

“Well said,” I appreciated him.

But another question knocked in my mind. So, I shoot my next question.

“If the future is not written, what will you do?”

“Yes, it may not be written. So, maybe I will ask how you see yourself...” he replied.

I wanted to initiate the conversation further. So, I threw my next ball.

“See, the book is there and either you read or you keep it aside. But you are not allowed to ask questions.”

“Hmm. I got the trick. See, if I want to read your future, then I have to be with you. Simple,” he replied.

“Impressive. You answered it nicely,” I replied.

“Okay. I am great. I am a philosopher. Ha-ha...” he giggled.

“Well, now I give you a chance to write a chapter in that book. What will you write?” I asked.

“Damn. Why will you give me a chance? Have you become nuts? Let me remind you, I am not a writer.”

“Well, you don’t need to be a writer,” I texted.

“I don’t know. I can’t frame anything right now.”

“It seems you will keep the chapter blank.” I played with his mind, leaving him more confused.

“Yes for time being, I will. May be, I will try and write something later.”

I got another point to take the conversation further.

“You may not get the chance to write later...”

“Quite possible,” he replied after a minute.

“The book is not worth reading, it seems...”I texted.

“Did I say that? I feel, maybe you can fill it for me; if I could not...”

I read his message twice and a smile landed on my lips.

“Well the idea is not bad...” I replied.

A Conversation

"I don't chat with everyone," she texted me for the fourth time in last three months.
I hate this line of hers. It seems she does me a big favor by simply exchanging messages.
Self obsessed, pathetic, snobbish, egocentric, haughty and all other synonyms that exist in the dictionary suits her, I thought to myself.
I don't force her to chat with me. It's up-to her whether she wants to text me or reply back.
"Gosh!  Girls are really difficult creatures to understand," I sighed.
"Hello... Am I talking to myself?" another message flashed interrupting me in my research work.
"Sorry.  I am here," I replied.
"But it seems you have lost somewhere, " she texted instantly.
Girls really have got some power to know things beforehand, even before you comprehend.
Before she can read more of what I am thinking right now, I thought of playing my game.
"What do you think I am a good boy or a bad boy?"
A message flashed. I never thought of getting the reply in a blink.
"What type of question is this?" she asked me.
"A simple question," I replied.
"Everyone has good as well as bad qualities. I accept people as they are..."
"Hmm. Convincing..." I replied with a smiley.
"I don't judge people on others opinion. I see everyone as a unique individual." she added further.
"What have you heard of me from others?" I asked her.
"Why are you hitting me with questions? And you know, your questions confuse me. Moreover, have I asked you any question?"
"Co'mon, it's not confusing. And you can ask me anything. I am open..." I texted back.
"Okay, whenever I want to read your chapter I will open..."
Good way to put it, I smiled.
I want to initiate the conversation further so I texted her again.
"How will you open my chapter?"
"Well, you will be at the other end. I will flip the pages of the book and wherever I stop, I will ask you to read..." she added intelligently.
"My pages are empty."
"No, of course not. If it is empty, it will be filled," she replied.
'How?" I asked.
"Well, we can fill it... "
"You don't know me. I may be fucking crazy. Like mad..." I tried to be honest or rather I was reading her, I wasn't sure.
"Yes. Then your chapter will read your craziness. Your madness..." she replied.
"Who wants a crazy person? All people want is 'all good' type," I tried to confuse her.
"I consider myself as the most craziest person. And it's all your perception. Moreover, I don't like ready-made food rather I love to prepare it," she replied with a beautiful illustration.
"I love home-made food," I replied instantly.
"I don't chat with everyone. And you are interesting so I always love to take the conversation further, " she replied.
 Finally she made me fall in love with her line. And I smiled.

Poem : Love for winter

Before I hug my love 

And go into  a deep slumber 

I just want to feel 

To embrace 

And spend some time

On its arms...

Poem

I just wish
To be in your arms,
As I pass through foggy lanes...
I miss your warmth
As the cold breeze stabs me...
My fingers shiver
Yet I have written your name
In the window glass...
The sun plays hide and seek
All throughout the way,
I reach my destination,
But the sun eloped with your name...
Leaving only water droplets
And the void me...