Days after You left.

I am strong; I keep reminding myself all the time. It is just a phase and I will evolve into a strong being who can withstand everything. I promise myself I will not cry but every night I end up crying and falling asleep. Next morning, I wake up with swollen eyes and the whole day I narrate an imaginative story to people. I have indeed become strong in hiding my emotions and winning the hearts of people around me through fake smile. The way I carry myself in public, I am certain no one has the slightest clue of the cyclone inside me. I am living two lives at one time. Whenever I am with others, I am happy and in cheerful mood. But whenever I am alone, I cry and flip the pages of my past. Loneliness stings me. I cry till I feel short of breathe. Finally, I realize I can’t recover from you so easily. You have become my habit, my behaviour and my character. I live with you in me.

You are gone forever. I have to learn to walk without you. I will fumble, I may even fall but I have to learn to give steps on my own. And I thought of some strategies that others around the world have done to recover from the disease called heart break.   

Strategy 1

I deleted your number from my mobile. I deleted all our conversations. I did not keep any evidence of your existence. I stopped using WhatsApp. Even, I started keeping my cell phone in silent mode.

Strategy 2

I stopped visiting the places that once I had been with you. Those places were my favourite once upon a time, now those stood in my blacklisted areas.

Strategy 3

I started pressurizing myself with extra work. I became so busy that I had no time to waste for your thought. I started bringing work back at home.

Strategy 4

I started reading books all the time. On my way to work, I read. At work, if I had free time, I read. Basically, I indulged myself with books. My table at work place had books everywhere and at home my table was over loaded. Even I kept a book with me in my bed.

Strategy 5

Meditation became an important part of my life. I started observing my thoughts. Meditating helped me relax for a while.

Strategy 6

I began noting down my thoughts. I used to write whenever you came in my thoughts. Every time, you knocked I put a cross in my diary.

After two weeks, I sat down to analyse my condition. My diary was full of crosses. My mobile did not have your number. But my mind remembered your number. Every night, I used to visit your profile and sleep only after my eyes became tired of crying or staring, I don’t know which I should consider first. Strategies worked or failed, I could not conclude till now. I am trying but I fail every second. I see you while I meditate and I become more restless. I save your number daily and then delete it many times. I watch many motivational videos. It helps me but again I fall prey in the hands of darkness, when lights are switched off, when I lay still in my bed. I can’t help but remember you.

I have tried other measures as well. Every time, you peep in, I remind myself, ‘He does not love you. He will forget you in no time. He will marry someone within a year. Your presence or absence does not affect him. He never cared for you. You are not worthy of his love.’ But even these words fail to move me.

I know the reality, I accept the reality but I cannot give deaf ears to my feelings and emotions. A person’s rejection or acceptance has nothing to do with my feelings. I am proud of my emotions. I proudly accept my love for you.  I will hope for a miracle till destiny takes me on another ride. I will keep praying to gods and the universe for you.  I will wait for your arrival until you take another flight.