Guilt

                                                      

The last sip and the glass got emptied. It seemed as if the empty bottle danced with excitement; it finally had succeeded in making me fall in love with it. The armchair, the empty bottle and the empty glass had been the witnesses of my pain. I lit a cigarette and spilled the frustration in the air, my nose and mouth supporting me in the process. I enjoyed those silent moments for I did not have to hear my wife’s list of craps. I took one after another stroke with the hope that it would put an end to the turmoil inside me. But eventually, I realized that some episodes could never be deleted, how hard even you tried. I had suppressed the chapter for last ten years and never thought that one day it would reopen again. She had come back not as my virtual lover but as one of my senior’s wife. I saw her after so many years but could not find strength to face her. She had not changed; she was the same, the same person I had known for seventeen years. She was the person who knew me better than anyone else in the world. I never thought she would fall in love with me- the Casanova me. I could still recall that night clearly when she expressed her love with a puzzle that she had asked me to solve. I played with her patience and begged her to give me some hints. She did give one after another and finally she expressed her feelings with a beautifully framed line. I did not reply and until today I could not find the reasons. She waited eagerly. I did not turn up and my silence spoke many unspoken words. She was someone who would never give up so easily. She and her stupid ways made me feel special. I loved her poems that she wrote for me during odd hours of night. She was different from all I had known, flirted or loved. She was the only unique piece- hard to find but easy to exploit for she trusted me blindly; though I never did anything that would break her trust. I did not love her but she was very special to me. I did not know how but slowly all barriers between us decreased and we ended up being virtual lovers. We shared virtual intimacy that was intense and deep. I did never feel the same with my wife for it was more like a routine that our physical self craved and nothing else. Sometimes in the dark hours of night when she would cross my thoughts, I ended up questioning myself; would my life have been different with her? Would my life have changed if I had held her hand? I knew the answer but I was afraid to admit to myself. In fact, I had different opinion. I always felt that she deserved the best person in the world. I never counted me as the one with whom she would be happy and so I put down her proposals. Was I stupid? I did not speak a single word when she told me that her marriage was fixed. Hardly did I know then that I would pity myself in the future and would blame myself for not reciprocating her love and exploiting her feelings. I was not sure whether a glimpse of her face had fueled the suppressed feelings or the liquor was having its toll on me. I was lost- lost completely in the dark and was unable to figure out the way to the bedroom. I failed to stand properly on my legs and fell on the floor. My eyes slowly closed and that moment I secretly wished I were dead. 

Materialistic Love

It was already midnight. I assumed it was the coldest night of the year since my ears failed to track any sound. The tick-tack of the clock and the heart beats of the partial insomniac were only audible. It was more than an hour that I had been turning sides; but it seemed sleep had deceived me for his words were framing many theories in my mind. His words were ringing again and again. ‘All girls are the same. You are not an exception. You, too, will choose one with fat bank balance.’ I was shocked for it was least expected from him. I had high regards for him. But his words made me feel miserable. And it was hard for me to accept that he was not the same person I had known since my post graduation years. And that moment, I wished I could go back and delete the last 24 hours of my life.

24 January, 2016

12:10 am.

It was another usual night and I was doing my scheduled routine work- chatting over WhatsApp. Most of my friends had already retired to their bed and were fast asleep. And the only person available at that hour of night was my best friend, Mr. Executive, who had been preparing for IES and the pace with which he had been studying; it seemed he would crack the entrance this year. It was nothing like we were having an exciting conversation. Well, you could guess, he had many important works rather than having chat with ‘the boring’ me. We cut short our conversation to day’s activities and then wished each other good night. After he left, I scrolled down the list of contacts in WhatsApp. I had a habit (good or bad, I’m not sure yet) of reading other people’s status and if the status revealed something unusual then I had the peculiar character of knocking at the perspective person’s door. And I did find one- ‘Love kills, life sucks...’ I would not have bothered if it was the status of one of my friend who had updated after having a fight with his/her beau. It was the status of a person whom I knew to be practical, far from being emotional and a person with positive attitude. When I met him during my post graduation days, he was focused, clear about his goals in life and had the capability to achieve everything in life. He was my senior and had always been a guide and a friend to me. As I was the only girl in my batch, he was very careful that I did not feel left out. He used to tell me everything- be it his future plans or his girlfriend. As planned, he did join his dream job after completing masters. And as days passed, he got busy with his life and job. He valued our friendship for he never missed to wish me on special days and my respect for him increased with time. But in last one year, I did not receive a single call from him though I received messages from him. He even stopped responding to my calls. I thought he might be busy with his work and so never tried to know the reason behind his silence. But when I read his status, I assumed that something was wrong. My inquisitiveness increased and I texted him that I need to talk to him. He replied back that he would call me in the morning. Every minute passed like an hour and I did not know when I fell asleep. When I woke up in the morning, his status was still dancing in my mind. I waited for his call and each time my cell rang, I thought it was him. He did call me but in the late afternoon. He thought I need his help for some project. When I told him the main reason-his status, he was shocked. There was a silence for a minute or two. I thought he had disconnected the call. He was there. I asked him directly about Annakshi, his girlfriend. He was in rage and I could sense that from his voice. He said, ‘She left me. She broke an eight year long relationship for an NRI and had settled in the States. All girls are the same. You are not an exception. You, too, will choose one with fat bank balance.’ And he hanged up. 

The Letter

Leaving behind the busy routine life, I took refuge at the ghats of Sukreswar temple. I loved this place and specially the view of the river Brahmaputra. I sat there in silence and observed the ferries. There was so much peace and solace. After some time, I thought of taking a walk. The water had dried up and it felt good to walk barefoot over the sand. Suddenly, my eyes fell on a girl who was throwing something. I thought she might be doing some rituals and ignored her. Soon after, she turned and started walking towards me. I found her, a girl of my age. Her hands were loaded with bangles and her hair nicely parted in the middle, revealing her marital status. As she passed by, I saw her crying and within no time she was out of my sight. I felt something peculiar.  So, I walked to the spot where I saw her for the first time. I started picking up the scattered items. Whatever, I found, did not serve the purpose of satisfying my curiosity. So half-halfheartedly, I started walking back in opposite direction. There I found something interesting- a wet piece of paper.

Oct. 18, 2015

Dear Shona,

 When I look back and turn every chapter of my life, you seem to be the best chapter. There have been many beautiful episodes of our friendship: our long conversation ending with useless small fight, texting every now and then, challenging you on small petty things, arguing with you and always ending on the losing side...Many memories run at high speed and finally stop at the last station where our track changed. You decided to board another train with the memories of your best friend leaving behind the person who loved you. I stood there with the memories of my best friend and letting the person I loved; go.

I have tried hard to forget you. But it seems you have become my shadow. Each night, I sleep with you in my thoughts. And the next morning, your name is the first word that comes in my thoughts when I open my eyes. To add more, your name follows me everywhere. The bus in which I travel bears your name. Even my boss shares your name. All throughout the day, I see or hear your name many a times. Can I really ignore your presence in such circumstances?

Life is not the same after we have parted our ways. It has been a long time since I have smiled or laughed. Days are somehow spent but nights have become longer. My eyes never close and tears refuse to stop. I have chosen this path for me and now I am forced to walk on that path. Sometimes, I feel that it would have been better if we remained friends. But the thought that you never loved me, stopped me from contacting you again.

I don’t know but I always wished for a miracle. I thought one day you would come back to the station where you left me. But you did not.

And the day when my words would reach you, I would have by then boarded a train with someone else.

With love,

I remain,

Yours darling.

I dropped the letter where she wanted to. There was no longer serenity in the surroundings.  The reason why I was there suddenly seemed meaningless. I slowly walked back to the ghats: thanking my busy schedule for I had no time to look back at the closed chapter of my life.